a random blog of a spotless mind…

Razor Blade

“I love you so much, but is not enough just feeling it… I guess we are better apart, even if it breaks my heart”. I don’t know how to begin, but you at least know the end already. I’m Megan, and eighteen years old girl, everyone thinks I have everything to be successful, but I don’t think in the same way; I used to be happier, easy going, and lovely, but suddenly something inside of me had changed… my heart was broken, and I couldn’t help it.

 

A few months ago I met a boy, it was almost like heaven, I was talking with my friends in the cafeteria and one of them brought two boys from another class, I had never seen them before, so I was kind shy. They started talking and suddenly I found myself dreaming about one of them, his name: Joel.

 

He was funny, and he had this look of mystery in his eyes, he was like so easy going, he hadn’t have any problem talking with strangers, and also had a beautiful smile… even that he is like serious and never laugh, when he does he looks so cute that brings joy to my heart.

 

When I realize of that I was in shock! I was dreaming awake with a guy that I barely knew! I couldn’t stopped doing it, I was staring at him like a dog to his empty plate, then he was gone, but I only repeated his name in my head over and over again, I saw his face in my dreams that night and the nights after that, and sometimes I thought I was starting to feel something more for him… and that was my little secret.

 

“Today I want to feel myself so close to you, so I can say to you that I’m crazy about you and find out what we dream together”.  In just a few weeks I declared my self in love!, and I didn’t know why I felt this way, sometimes I thought he felt the same, but I was crazy, then something weird happened, there was a letter… from him!

 

“Hey! I’m going to be straight with you, will you be my girlfriend? Sincerely yours: Joel”. What? I couldn’t believe that! I was like so happy, but insecure… but I finally made up my mind and send him the answer. “Hi there! I just want to let you know that I feel the same way, so yes! I want to be your girlfriend”. I was so nervous… two days later when the postman arrived there was no answer… three days, one week, two weeks, there was nothing!, until finally at the third week the answer arrived…

 

“Hey! What?, sorry, there has been a mistake and one of my brothers sent you a fake letter, I’m so sorry if it said something weird or something like that, don’t get angry! You Are My Best Fiend! Take care. Xoxo Joel”. Great!!! That was just the last thing I needed! I was so stupid, I wanted to kill him! But I didn’t care a lot so, a bad, grey, awkward feeling took possession of me, I HATE HIM SO BAD! And I also love him like and idiot!.

 

How could I fell so badly? Anyway I couldn’t show how much he hurt me so, that never happened. The next week on school, I was with a friend and he got close, I was angry but I didn’t care. “Hi” he said, I answered in a bad tone, I guess he knew why, “can I talk with you?” “Sure” I said, “look I just want to apologize for the letter… my brother…” “I know! Don’t worry I understand” he looked at me like a freak, “really?” he ask, “sure, don’t worry”, he still were confused “so we are good?”, “yes no problem dude!” I answered like a real stupid person.

 

That maybe wasn’t the reaction he was looking for, but, what else could I do? He had already broke my heart I couldn’t show him how broken it were!, so we have this awkward relationship of hate-love, but then I couldn’t take that situation anymore, so I drop school, I didn’t care anything else, I just didn’t want to see him anymore! ‘cuz it only breaks my heart more and more.

 

He found out that I was dropped the school and he asked to me why, I just answered that I didn’t belong there. We continued talking and along with the time, our relationship became more kind.

 

One day on one of my usual jokes, I asked him if hi wanted to be my boyfriend, I had already gotten over that feeling, or at least that was what I thought, he didn’t answered to me as quick as I imagine he would do, but when he did, his answered wasn’t what I expected at all.

 

He told me that I like him and he love me, but that he didn’t want anything serious, or formal, so we had to do our relationship more casual, I must say that I was insecure about that, but as I already said, I wasn’t get over that feeling, so I said to myself… “is this, or nothing”, so I took my chances and risked my integrity, that wasn’t at all complete but… still is my integrity.

 

We continue in a casual way, we almost never saw each other, but the few times that we did were the most beautiful days, we were the perfect match, and our combination was totally great! I even dare to say that we are made for each other.

 

Then everything went to trash, the thing got complicated and we tried a few times to talked about it, but it was no worth it, we never ended this situation, so one day I couldn’t take it any longer and I explode!, so I wrote this:

 

“I love you so much, but is not enough just feeling it… I guess we are better apart, even if it breaks my heart”. I’m still waiting for an answer but I guess that deep down none of us wants to end this, ‘cuz after all we are made for each other, or at least that’s what our hearts say so, so we’ll see what destiny says, ‘cuz sometimes things aren’t like they suppose to, and like I said to him once: “Sweetheart, your feelings are more important, of course!” and I stand still in front of that… P.S. I love you… Still.
 
This is not only my twisted imagination, it’s the only way my broken heart can talk and express something that it’s hard to say. I guess the message is pretty clear… and it’s not about the formal or casual thing… it’s about what i feel… and what i feel it that i love you.. still… i’m not done with that feeling…  i’m a patetic loser, a complet idiot but i don’t care..
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